Addiction

It's only natural. That desire, the dominance and involvement in most of the day, the discipline you teach yourself, and finally yielding and euphoria.

We all have at least one. Make no mistake that the notion of having an addiction is repulsive and sets a person in their defensive mode. That's where "admitting the problem is the first part of the solution" comes from. Mostly seen with hookah or cigarette smokers here that naively constantly say that they could quit whenever they wanted, they just "don't want to". My favorite experiment here is to ask a person to back off his/her addiction for a considerable amount of time, say 6 months, and then get back to it if they wish. Most, of course, see no point in this, and refuse your preposterous proposal. I think they don't see themselves gaining anything from it, nothing positive at least.

After dealing with denial and realizing that we seriously do have a problem, we start the bargaining phase. We set up that imaginary scale and start weighing things, trying to convince ourselves that our addiction does not have a major contribution as it has in reality. The fact, however, is that things are no different now than they were when we starting balancing our scale.

Comes then the toughest part, if reached. Eliminating the addiction. Elimination, and not control, because an addiction implies the compulsive use, neglect of other interests, decrease control and withdrawal symptoms. Removing the addiction leaves a desire alone. My mindset always speaks to me in what phrase as a "retarded manner", that amazingly works. I overload myself and enter what I call "an afterburner mode". Almost nothing matters but the goal, given that my priorities are still in order. The voice in my head always scream: "will it kill you?"

Not shockingly, the answer 99% of the times is a: No. And that signals me the green light to do whatever it is that I plan to do. I guess it's because the other retarded thought in my mind always says: "in the end, everything will turn out OK". You have to teach yourself to say that because if left to events, chances are you will not have as many reasons to be happy as the ones you will have to be sad. It's a matter of "I'll get rid of this addiction, and then I'll figure out what next".

Quitting cold turkey doesn't work for everyone, it's not a sign of weakness. It's a demonstration of how different our bodies and minds function.

When we do eventually quit, we crave. So, play mind tricks on yourself. Set an addiction that is not true, discipline yourself when it doesn't need that discipline. That, for me, gives back some of the elation and none of the adverse effects.

"Is it every time that you desire, you seek?"

We have to break our egos, humble ourselves so we don't float away in our own heads.

"اوكلما اشتهيت، اشتريت؟"

My To-Do Ordeal

I have gotten myself used to using calendars and To-Do lists for quite a while now after I have had believed that they are only beneficial to business men and such people.
I keep my use to a minimum, but they help me greatly.
It is said that great achievers all shared the use of To-Do lists.
The purpose of the To-Do list is to have some tasks in it. You simply aren't using it correctly if your list is empty.
My days pass with the list growing and shrinking. Well, until my semester's final exams commence. When that happens, the list starts growing and growing with not enough time for me to cross things out. Finals at where I study take two weeks, three weeks or sometimes even four. Stress builds up from the tests and the exponentially growing To-Do list.
My days start building up a depressing routine, fully draining me almost every single day with extreme lack of leisure time. My crave for fun and leisure manifest themselves as tasks that need to be done and find their way into my To-Do list, making it grow even larger, and building my stress even more.
I run through my list at the end of the day, finding it bigger than it was that same morning. I question each task, and wonder if I can just take it off the list. I contemplate taking off fun activities just to make the list smaller so that it would cause me less stress when I look at it. And eventually do.
The idea depresses me. Just thinking about it does, and reminds me of a verse that goes:
"3ukkazati heya na'6iri... hal fi jamad-n min na6'ar".
Said by a blind man, with him explaining his misery with blindness and how he suffers from it, the literal explanation of that specific verse goes something like:
"I rely on my cane to see. And how can a still object have vision?"
P.s. The main reason I wrote this note was to cross it out from my To-Do list, ironic.

Post

Mon 1:12 am, August 3rd, 2009
Documented.

Simply Venting!

Here's what you don't get to do!
You don't get to have the people closest to you the easiest people you hurt because of their accessibility and closeness! You don't get to ask people to come closer to you while you push them away, throwing them a rope and then setting it on fire. You don't get to hurt those people because they've said words that you need to hear, stuff that YOU asked them to tell you! You don't get to say everything is fine and perfect one day, and totally corrupt after 5 minutes. You don't get to respond to a 1 like 10, punishing or reacting to the simplest of things as it were the toughest.
You don't get to know the truth that others need and not inform them! You don't get to hurt those closest to you rightfully and not even apologize for that later on when you've calmed down. You don't get to treat that person who has come for your rescue as the villain that's lurking around every corner.
Why? Why don't you get to do that? Because it is not right! It's not just! And surely isn't fair! Yes! As simple as that.
The world wasn't created a fair place, that doesn't give you the permission to extend that unjust. Human beings were put on this Earth to grow it, not reduce it to ashes.
Everyone makes mistakes, myself before others! That is never the case. Count other people's mistakes and they will wear you out before they tire others. Try to balance people's actions and it will flip you right over. Things do not weigh as much tomorrow as they do today. They are not coins of constant weight.
What more can you ask from a person if, after they make their mistakes, whether directed or not, will fix their mistakes and apologize and take to heart that that mistake is not repeated again?
Are you arguing that making mistakes is the problem? We'll that doesn't benefit you before it hurts me.
Or is it really that fixing your mistakes, apologizing and being righteous is worth nothing? That I find hard to accept. Because I wait for that whenever the mistake was in my direction. It's enough to know that it matters to me to realize that it is important and that more than one person feels that way. If you still don't agree, then that's how WE think, and being a close friend of ours, you should have picked up on that!
It's hurt, pain, disappointment, guilt, anger, frustration, and love that I feel now. Yes, love. Because if that is what stands between me and taking what is rightfully mine. I know doing that will hurt you! So how pathetic am I? that I care for your hand while it slaps me?
It's not pathetic, not one bit. It's kindness. Kindness that has, apparently, since forever been mistaken or unapparent to you, amazingly not to others.
A saying goes: "If your friend is all honey, don't lick him all".
"It was an issue to you that I accept you as the person you are while I never had that issue. My mere concept was that a person never ceases to grow. For you, because you were sensitive, I've stopped being that person that directs you forward and have just become a passenger next to you. I have made my mistake, actually mistakes, but I have always apologized and tried to correct them when I had an eye opener (specially when it came from you). Ask yourself again if you tell yourself that you know me if my actions aren't speaking loud enough."
That is surely not all I have in mind, but it is what I have to say.
And somehow it amuses me how I could write that and know that the person in question will not read it. Do not interpret my "venting" here as weakness or that this is the product of my summed energy. I just wanted for once to convey my anger via words, I hope you felt it.

It's Usually Just a Coat

Deeply embedded within us are certain qualities, traits and behaviors. There is no doubt that our paradigms change according to certain situations, but it's rarely a permanent shift.
Our perspectives and views change according to the situation presented before us while the true mechanism running the machinery behind the scenes stays the same. This, of course, is generally speaking, not mentioning the odd cases.
A pessimist is a pessimist, unless he wants to adapt an optimist's view. A "busy person" is always busy until he declares himself free for a while. The way that events gyrate our mind's gears are seldom changed.
Some people incline themselves to feeling tired. They wake up tired, they go to work tired, they eat and sleep when they are tired. They're mind is fixed. These persons might in reality be tired of whatever cause, but they also lack the desire to change the perspective. As happiness is a way of life and not a product of it, so are many stuff. I might not be conveying a clear message here, but know that you understand me if you found this personally offensive.
YOU have a certain trait, that you wish to see and interact with the world in, consciously or subconsciously. You might, and might not know it. You will walk through life stamping every event with that trait, which, with the majority of people, is a bad thing. I'm talking about when people smile to you right after you slap them and then walk away. The people who are kind to you after you strip them away of what seemed everything to them. People who, not realizing why, have to work hard and do good even in the toughest of circumstances. They might seem weak and frail, but I believe those are the people that really matter in this world. They are the ones who make a difference. A good one, at least.
Dig deep into yourself, and you might not even find it. You might not even realize what I was just on about. But ask a close friend, a friend who will tell you the truth when you ask for it. They will describe you in a group of words, find the one (or more) that make what I typed meaningful.
If it's a positive trait, hold on to it, embrace it, and cultivate it. If it's not, try to change it, it will turn you into a better you.
"You can never become better than anyone else, you can only be a better you"